COMFORT AND COMPASSION

Editor’s Note: Today, January 21, is the anniversary of the birth of our son, Dustin (1982-1998). Today’s author, Nancy Guthrie, offered many of the lessons she learned from the loss of two of her children in her first book, “Holding On to Hope: A Pathway of Suffering to the Heart of God” which was published in 2002. Since then, Nancy has continued to write books that reflect her compassion for hurting people and her passion for applying God's Word to real life.

COMFORT AND COMPASSION

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”  (2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV)

Ours is not a culture that is comfortable with sadness.  Sadness is awkward.  It is unsettling.  It ebbs and flows and takes its own shape.  It beckons to be shared.  It comes out in tears, and we don't quite know what to do with those.

So many people are afraid to bring up my loss.  They don't want to upset me.  But my tears are the only way I have to release the deep sorrow I feel.  I tell people, "Don't worry about crying in front of me, and don't be afraid that you will make me cry!  Your tears tell me you care, and my tears tell you that you've touched me in a place that is meaningful to me -- and I will never forget your willingness to share my grief." 

-- Nancy Guthrie in “Holding On to Hope”

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WHAT GRIEF NEEDS

Editor’s note: Joe Bayly wrote a book many years ago about how he and his wife coped with the deaths of three of their sons. He gave the following advice:

Sensitivity in the presence of grief should usually make us silent, more listening. “I’m sorry” is honest; “I know how you feel” is usually not -- even though you may have experienced the death of a person who had the same familial relationship to you as the deceased person had to the grieving one. If the person feels that you can understand, he’ll tell you. Then you may want to share your own honest, not prettied-up feelings in your personal aftermath with death. Don’t try to “prove” anything to a survivor. An arm around the shoulder, a firm grip on the hand, a hug: these are the proofs grief needs, not logical reasoning.

I was sitting, torn by grief. Someone came and talked to me of God’s dealings, of why it happened, of hope beyond the grave. He talked constantly, he said things I knew were true. I was unmoved, except to wish he’d go away. He finally did.

Another came and sat beside me. He didn’t ask leading questions. He just sat beside me for an hour and more, listened when I said something, answered briefly, prayed simply, left. I was moved. I was comforted. I hated to see him go. 

-- Joe Bayly in “Last Thing We Talk About”

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THE THOUSAND-PIECE PUZZLE

Why am I a thousand-piece puzzle when everyone else is already put together?… Who am I now? Who am I, now that my loved one has died? …

All I seem to see are the scattered pieces of my life cast before me on the card table, waiting for me to pick them up and make the picture. But what picture do all these pieces form? I used to think I knew. I used to know who I was and where I was going and how I was going to get there. But now… I can't even remember where the puzzle begins and I end….

Am I still a mother if there is no child to tuck in at night? Am I still a dad if there is no one to loan the car keys to? Am I still a wife if there is no one to snuggle up to in my bed? Am I still a husband if there is no one waiting at home for me at the end of the day? Am I still a sister or brother if there is no one to tease? Am I still a child if my parent has died? Am I still a human being, capable of loving and being loved, if the one person I loved more than anything has become frozen in time? Who am I now that my loved one has died?…

Keep turning the puzzle pieces over. But don't keep trying to put them back into the same picture. That picture is gone. There is a new picture to be made of those scattered pieces. Search for that scene. Search for the new you... search for the new person you are becoming…

There is joy in living… if we allow time… to reassemble the thousand-piece puzzle.

-- Darcie D. Sims in TCF Salt Lake City January/February 2001 Newsletter


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A COMPASSIONATE FRIEND

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." -- Romans 12:15

A four-year-old child lived next door to an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

-- Unknown

 
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HONORING LIFE

When I grieve, when I stand by others as they grieve, even in the midst of seemingly unbearable sorrow, grief becomes a way to honor life -- a way to cling to every fleeting, precious moment of joy.

-- Cortney Davis

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NOTE: A Worldwide Candle Lighting, in memory of all children who have died, is held annually the second Sunday in December, this year December 14. The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe as they light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.

Believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the Worldwide Candle Lighting creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

To learn more, visit The Compassionate Friends national website at http://www.compassionatefriends.org/. We invite you to light a candle at 7:00 p.m. on December 14 in your time zone "...that their light may always shine."