WHAT GRIEF NEEDS

Editor’s note: Joe Bayly wrote a book many years ago about how he and his wife coped with the deaths of three of their sons. He gave the following advice:

Sensitivity in the presence of grief should usually make us silent, more listening. “I’m sorry” is honest; “I know how you feel” is usually not -- even though you may have experienced the death of a person who had the same familial relationship to you as the deceased person had to the grieving one. If the person feels that you can understand, he’ll tell you. Then you may want to share your own honest, not prettied-up feelings in your personal aftermath with death. Don’t try to “prove” anything to a survivor. An arm around the shoulder, a firm grip on the hand, a hug: these are the proofs grief needs, not logical reasoning.

I was sitting, torn by grief. Someone came and talked to me of God’s dealings, of why it happened, of hope beyond the grave. He talked constantly, he said things I knew were true. I was unmoved, except to wish he’d go away. He finally did.

Another came and sat beside me. He didn’t ask leading questions. He just sat beside me for an hour and more, listened when I said something, answered briefly, prayed simply, left. I was moved. I was comforted. I hated to see him go. 

-- Joe Bayly in “Last Thing We Talk About”

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